view SOAP
a short film about the vulnerable exchange of performance
What I love most about working with talent is the gifts they bestow upon you. It’s their choice to engage, when to engage and how to engage. It can’t be forced. A repertoire often has to be established before someone shares this kind of gift. When you are working with only a day or so developing this sort of connection evolution can feel like walking a tightrope.
When I first moved to NY and started making visual work it felt really natural to have this exchange with my subjects. Effortless in fact. Without much thought, I would offer myself fully in person and behind the camera and the talent would reciprocate. I was less self conscious and my spirit was more open to possibilities in a way I didn’t think too hard about. Recently and with age, I feel more resistance, ego and pressure when I am on set which in return is can be mirrored back to me with my subjects.
I work with mostly non-actors for my films and I am rarely looking for anything more than a moment that feels real. I ask them to really be present in their bodies and connected to the experience we are having. I share with them what the script and film means to me and ask them if they have any experiences they might be able to bring into sharing the short lines. We do a quick workshopping then just shoot usually the same day. I trust however they say the line will be the right way. My hope is to create a container with the ideal conditions of safety for play, honesty and connection. As a director it can be challenging to find that place myself on an off day, it can feel like a big ask from my talent as well.
SOAP is my recent film named after and featuring the beautiful, talented Soap. The film is inspired by a book by a female photographer and photo journalist Roswitha Hecke called Irene. The images follow a woman who is a neighborhood sex worker in Europe. I was drawn to the ambiguity of her story. She was deeply woven into the fabric of her community, warmly regarded by those around her, and her line of work was always in the background but understood. I love how wise, confident, and glamorous she came across through the imagery, outfits she wore and the elegant way she carried herself.
I wanted to reimagine this character in a contemporary setting. I was most interested in creating a lingering curiosity about who a woman is and how she lives her life. I wanted to know who she was outside of her profession, who is she as a person. The woman first and her conditions second. I want to know a persons interior life. It’s fascinating to me how different we are but that there are so many intersections mostly by just being a woman that are rarely explored in film and art. I’m finding the idea of femininity quite radical as it’s something it seems women are often trying to shed to be seen as more independent and empowered.
Desire is a word I like to ask women about. I have learned to think of desire as not only romantic but something that fuels creation. When prompted I feel my subjects are at a loss with the word. Not that they don’t think about it but as an observer their definition appears as a stream of consciousness where they are trying to make sense of the word themselves, while I am doing the same listening to them.
It’s a loaded word and the definition might not be totally clear to everyone yet. I can’t prove it but it feels desire has not been awakened in many women consciously, it does seem hard to dim entirely and there are glimpses in every woman I meet. It feels like we are living in response to the world rather than responding to our own intuition and interiors, or at least I often am.
I am not a person great at small talk and so my films reflect that. The topics I explore feel revealing and personal for me to share but I am hoping they resonate and open conversations. Ego death is something that I think of often and I feel like I am actively experiencing sharing these films and newsletters with you. Hearing myself speak—with all the shrieks, nervous laughing, awkward wording, and random thoughts between my inner dialogue and the crew - forces me to confront my cringe. The general feedback is that this is what people like the most about me. Post shoot it leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable, especially when I'm directing on set and not filtering much…
The book, Irene, also had really inspiring, beautiful quotes from the protagonist on her observations of life. I wanted to incorporate an interview style element into the shoot. Something intimate, like Soap confiding with a friend off camera, while still preserving an air of mystery.
In the film I asked Soap twice how she defines a self possessed woman because her response to me is so on the nose and thorough in a way I don’t think I could ever articulate. The idea of a self possessed woman is also something new to explore for me. I feel like it runs parallel to my questions around desire. The two words have alchemy that stirs something in my growth as I aspire to the person I want to be and the stories I want to tell.
Vulnerability is not something offered freely, it’s not a given and cannot be demanded. You can create a structure or a container for something to live and breathe but what comes out is its own thing. I admire the women who are open to exploring this with me.
In the age of social media currency it’s hard to decide how much of yourself to give and how much to keep to yourself if public facing. I admire those who know the difference. It’s a personal form of torture to edit my films and hear my inner most thoughts on a loop. Soap is a woman of generosity with her performance and I feel so grateful she trusted me with her own wisdom, joy and strength.
Throughout the film, I am often in conversation with Soap, offering pieces of my own vulnerability so she knows she isn't alone in the space I've asked her to occupy. There is an interesting tension in this space, while I struggled to remain present without getting lost in my own insecurities, Soap was simultaneously navigating her own path toward openness in front of the camera.
The full film is available for viewing on my portfolio site for now. Working on a website soon for these films to have a home. :)